I'm ok

  Well it has been forever since I have been on here. And I now finally have something I WANT to write about.

  So I have just recently realized I'm ok with not having anymore babies. It was very hard for a while (1 year on new years to be exact) and I was very sad but I have finally realized I am ready to move on to the next step in life. I'm ready for my kids to get older and deal with the older situations and when Jay starts 1st grade I'll work and come home and enjoy my kids. And contributing $ will be great also. My only huge issue is, I have no idea what I want to be or do in life and work. Which is very scary! I really don't have a passion outside of my kids, at least I haven't found one yet. I guess I have about 2-3 years to figure it out. I just feel very relieved knowing we made the right decision on making it permanent to not have anymore children.

  An old friend told me I would be sad but it will go away and I am so happy those feelings are gone. I'm actually kinda excited to see what life has in store for us. 

Guilt

  Been feeling crappy lately. Unsure of myself and things. Can't quite figure out exactly why just been stuck in a funk. And wish I could snap out of it. Its crazy we've been so busy but when I'm not doing something I feel like I should be. Today I was actually able to relax at home for about 2-3 hours, my brother was gone, my mom was gone (they are staying with us right now), the hubby got home early from work but had to go to sleep for his later job and Jay had an early nap and girls were at school. There were things I could have left the house and done but I decided to do it all tomorrow. So I actually sat home and watched tv for like 2 hours during the day. I did clean the bathrooms, dishes, swept, vacuumed and made some mac salad before or else I would not have been able to sit there with out thinking about the house being a mess. It was very strange and I feel guilty relaxing but it was nice. Its not fair to feel this way. I also think being at home today didn't help my feeling crappy, almost like a depressed feeling. Oh well that was today and I'm sure tomorrow will be different. Because I'm crazy like that :)

Babies

  So I am having a problem. I am sad I can't have anymore babies (yes I know I'm crazy) I see so many people on FB having babies and pregnant and I am actually sad I will not experience that anymore. Realisticly I know I shouldn't have anymore kids and I am ready to move on to the next stage in life but I am actually sad. And 3 kids is plenty and tough, but what if Jay gets older and we want to have another. The Hubby is DONE and does not want anymore and really he made it impossible to have anymore. We both made the decision but I didn't know I would feel this way. I've heard people feel this way for a while but its time for it to go away. It's crazy we started young and are done having kids and others our age are just starting. I do love the age I had kids, found out I was pregnant with my first on my 21st bday. So it will be nice when our kids are older, the Hubby and I will still be kinda young, so that is one good reason to be okay to not have anymore babies. I guess I'll just enjoy other peoples babies, lol. I do love seeing all the new babies. And I am REALLY excited to be an Auntie again, can't wait!!!

  Wow! What a couple weeks it has been. So busy!! We are finally in our new home and I love it!!! There are some minor things that need to be fixed but they will be soon. I love how much more room we have and I have such a warm and happy feeling in this home. Its amazing how it just seems this place was so meant to be :) The only thing I can't stand is all the unpacking and how much crap I still have in my garage, yuck! But slowly I will get to all the boxes and figure out what goes where. Oh and all the cleaning that needs to be done at the old house. I guess its just a part of moving and I need to realize I can't get settled in 2 days.

 Tomorrow my oldest is going on her 5th grade trip with her school and I am so sad about it I actually cried in the car today. I am not showing her my feelings because I don't want her to get worried or anything. But holy moly this is tough and she hasn't even left yet. But geez 3 nights and 4 days is just way to long! I know she'll be fine and have a great time but I can't help but worry and miss her and wonder if all is okay and if she's getting taken care of or if she need me. I need to just let go and trust that she will be fine. I do know that last year at this time I felt there was no way she was ready for this trip and now I feel she is ready. She has definitly matured within the year. Its going to be a rough couple of days :( I will try my best to keep busy and get things done around the new house and old house, so hopefully that will distract me. Anyway I hope she has the best time and remember this experience forever. I love my Ky...

My youngest baby in PreSchool!

 On his first day of school.

 On his second day after school. We love it so far. He's so cute, he eats so much after school and he is so tired.

Things are good! And busy busy busy.

Anxiety

  I just wanted to note this down. Last thursday I went to Jay's preschool open house, it was a day to meet the teacher and let Jay see his new preschool. All went really well, Jay loved it and didn't want to leave, which is great. He played with all boys in the car area of course and parents came and I had to fill out some paper work. But for some reason I started having anxiety, I get anxiety alot but this time I started to feel a panic attack coming on, I think it was being in a class with a bunch of people I didn't know, just wandering, not really controlled. I don't know what it was but I didn't like it at all! My mind starts thinking millions of different thoughts, my heart starts beating faster, and I'm trying to find a way to get it off my mind, so I start walking around trying to distract myself and I texted my hubby, some how he always makes me feel better. Eventually it went away after distracting myself.

  I just wish I knew why. It sucks because thats why I am afraid to volunteer at my kids school and do lots of other things like being in a room with lots of people I don't know. This hasn't happened in a while, but the good thing about it is I was able to stop it.

Life is good

  So yeah we got the house, just waiting to move in. Should be moving in about 2 weeks. And completely in by Oct 1st, my birthday! What a great bday presant to me :) So excited, things are looking good for us right now. The hubby has been working hard like always, and of course we miss him. We all are so busy its good for us. With school, soccer, cheer, and of course homework and then preschool and dance about to start on wednesday. Its good to keep busy! Nenn's birthday is coming up soon also, I think we might have to move on her bday weekend, which will be crazy! I just need to make sure to celebrate her as much as usual and not let the move take anything away from her day.

  Next week I am looking forward to not having any kids for about 3 hours, 3x a week. Right now I need the break but I know after a couple days I won't know what to do with myself. I'm sure me packing and getting ready to move will keep me busy for a little while.

  Lets just keep the positive stuff coming to us and hope it stays for a while.

Love them!

 First day of 5th grade!

                                           
 First day of 3rd grade!

                
All 3 of my babies! They are growing too fast.

Something to remember :)

  Today I met a young man, a waiter at Ihop and he had UMA, it is very rare to find someone with Microtia so when I see someone I want to talk to them. I spoke to him and asked him about his ear and let him know my 2 daughters I was with also has little ears (one with UMA and one with BMA). He was very sweet and asked what the name was called, I told him microtia and atresia. It was very interesting he didn't know the name. He also mentioned he is totally okay with his little ear. I was very proud to meet him and introduce my daughters to someone else who also has microtia. It was really cool! It makes me very proud of my girls, and again completly okay with their beautiful special little ears! I would change nothing!

So I wrote the above paragraph on FB on a Microtia support group and this is what was commented back. It brought tears to my eyes and I want to remember this:

 

  Kristina, thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. Isn't it always such a wonderful feeling to meet someone else with M/A? It brings a tear to my eyes, how many times I hear that no one (out of all of the doctors seen throughout... a life time) that no one ever told some of our Microtia friends why they have little ears and that there is a name for it. I love hearing about these chance meetings all of the time because it is not like we see someone else with M/A every weekend. I can sense the pride in you and in your daughters and in him. Good for you guys and so many of our members in our group who are "proud" of their little ears. It is really cool and it is a wonderful feeling to meet as someone with the same anything in common because you can not help that connection. So happy for you. I am still glowing from a couple of weekends ago when my family and my Ally met Justin. :-)

Checking In~

  Its funny how summer was so mellow and then the last couple weeks have been insane! A little too much going on, I thought my head was going to explode. I am starting to feel good about things, and everything is coming together. The kids are just about ready for school. And I think we found a house, thanks to my sis inlaw. I don't want to get to excited until I hear the date were moving in, but I have a great feeling about it. I am excited to move and have a little change. And to clean out the house and get rid of all the crap we don't need. The house is a 3bd 2 ba, a/c, heat, family room, living room and dining area. I would make one of the rooms into a play room so I can continue to watch children comfortably. Just the 2nd bathroom and a/c is exciting enough for me and its $100 less then what we were paying. So keeping my fingers crossed.

  Also the Hubby has been working his butt off and I miss him right now. And so do the kids. But Daddy's gotta work. Pretty soon it will all slow down, so he needs to work as much as he can.

  I had a nice night out wth a good friend tonight. I tried Thai for the first time and it was yummy! We also got our toes done. So it was nice to have some girl time.

  I haven't had much to say lately, just been busy with the kids schedule. And when school starts its going to be even more busy, kinda looking forward to it all, except for the fact that I accidently over scheduled Jenna with dance and cheer on wednesdays, so we'll see how that turns out, cheer is only til november though.

  So hopefully the next time I write it will be about our new house.

And it all begins....

  So August just hit us like a ton of bricks! So I knew Cheer and Soccer were starting in August but holy moly I was not expecting this intense schedule. So as of right now Nenn's Cheer is monday-friday 6-8 and a cheer camp this saturday 12:30-3, and I'm not sure how long that schedule will be, then we have Ky's soccer tuesday 5:30-7 and saturday 9-10:30. So we went from a relaxing summer schedule to craziness! Which is fine, just wasn't quite ready for it. I was just getting used to sleeping in and enjoying the break. This week just seems to be crazy all together, I think this is the busiest playdate week we've had all summer to go along with cheer and soccer, and I also need to get ready for camping, we are leaving on tuesday and I haven't even started getting anything ready, usually I've started packing by now. So yeah I need to get into busy mommy mode and start getting back into the swing of things. Not to mention getting the kids ready for school. We need to get back on school sleeping mode and I need to finish the girls clothes shopping, I have finished JJ's shopping. Oh and my poor Hubby has been so busy working 3 jobs, I probably won't see him much in August, except when we go camping, we are so looking forward to our last trip before the fall. Its been a little hard not having the Hubby around much, usually he is so involved in everything but he just can't right now I'm doing it all and thats okay. I've been a little overwhelmed, but it will all work out. Need to keep reminding myself...take one day at a time.

Stressed

  So the last week or so I have been so stressed about finding a new house. And really there is not much out there. I still have an application in for a house that they are just dragging along. But finally we have made a new plan, after almost losing my mind. We are going to go ahead and do a month to month and clean out the house we are in now, which means get rid of all the junk and crap thats in our house that we don't need, and we have lots. So I have set a date on having a garage sale on august 20th and whatever I don't sell we'll give it away or throw it in the dumpster we will rent, depending on how much crap we have left. We need to do this anyway before we move so lets get started, then I will make the garage into a play room again. So I am excited to just get rid of stuff and try to start over new in the place we live now, until we hopefully find a place we are happy with. It took me a minute but I feel so much better having a plan. And watch once I stop stressing something will come, I hope. Plus I really need to concentrate on camping thats coming up, and getting the kids ready for school to start. And soccer and cheer start august 1st also. So I'm done with the worrying on the house (for now) time to concentrate on the upcoming crazy schedule!

Life is about to get crazy!

  Well its about to be August and I am really not looking forward to all the craziness of schedules to begin again. Summer is going to fly by quickly now. Cheer is about to start for Nenn, Soccer is about to start for Ky, camping, then we need to get ready for school, like clothes shopping, school supply shopping, shoes, haircuts, backpacks, and the worries of going back to school (Ky has a rough time with that every year) Then to top it off we are trying to move :// Then before we know it school will be starting, then dance will start too. Oh and JJ's new preschool starts in September also, and of course my Nenn will be turning 8, which means its about time to start planning a birthday party. Holy moly it stresses me out just thinking about it! But you know what? We get through it every year. And its part of being a Mommy. Just the extra moving is what really freaks me out. I'm trying to make the right decisions. Of what area to live in? Are we going to be able to keep the kids at the schools we want? And if not we need a back up plan. Really its a big life decision of where were going to live. And then all the packing and moving...blah! But I do love that we can start all over again and get rid of all the extra crap that we don't need in our home (Ky is begging me to have a garage sale.) 


So I just need to breath and take one day at a time. And enjoy the rest of the summer, while looking for a place to move.

 And it looks like I will not be watching my full time baby starting around September, so I would love to find a new full time baby to watch. I will miss her :( So if anyone needs a babysitter mon-fri starting in September (by then everything will be in order and kids will be in school and Jay will be in school 3 days a week), I would love to be the one.

Today~

Today started off fun! First we woke up a little to early, but had a nice time in Tracy, for the Hubby's work breakfast. He has these every 3 months and gets a bonus and they have fun raffles. It was nice because the Hubby got a safe driver award and a customer service award and got Starbucks gift card. Then Nenn won a huge container of licorice, she was very happy. Then after we decided to surprise the kids and take them to Boomers, they were so happy! We played miniature golf, rode on some tube like boats and squirted eachother with water. Too bad it wasn't warmer outside. Oh and can't forget the arcade games. On the way home we stopped at In and Out...yummy! Then my Dad stopped by for a minute. So we had a really nice family day.

Now I am home stressed! Yesterday we got our lease renewal and they raised our rent $100. Not very happy about this at all! I feel like we can find a place for that much and have another bathroom and some a/c at least. So now I am in a horrible mood, searching for a new place to live. And really I have found nothing and don't know where else to look. This came out of nowhere, and did not expect this at all! So what to do? What to do? I am lost.

I am looking forward to my Nephew's Baptism tomorrow, followed by a bbq/pool party. Hopefully I can get this moving crap off my mind, its making me nuts!

Summer fun

Okay so I am done with the deep stuff, for now. I had to get it off my chest.

So I feel these last 2 months have been so much fun. This is probably the best summer vacation we have had yet so far. We have done so many fun things, but I think the best thing we could've done was bought the pool, too bad it hasn't been very warm to go into in the last week. We have been to Reno, Stinson Beach, Tilden Park, we did the Kids Bowl Free summer program, and I'm trying to go to the Farmers Market every tuesday, we went to the Drive Ins, The Jungle, been to a couple movies and we had a fun 4th of July party. And we are not done yet. I'm always trying to find something to do to keep the kids busy. Soon we'll be starting the $1 movies on wednesdays. The problem is when I don't have anything planned, my kids are bored and drive me crazy, but it is impossible to do something every day. Yes when their home they do crafts, write stories and books, draw, I make them play in the backyard, they play video games and watch some tv, but today after 2 days of not doing much (too cold to swim) but being home I had to take them to the park, thanks to a friends idea. So we took all the kids for a walk and to play and it turned out nice. They got their energy out.

 I'm always looking for fun cheap things to do. Can't wait to see what else this summer brings us. A camping trip is coming up in August, can't wait for that!

Panic Attacks

So I have been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for about 8 years. So since 2003. It was very tough when they first started I remember I got my first really bad panic attack at the movies, The Hubby and I were watching Lord of the Rings. I got stuck and frozen with anxiety almost like I couldn't snap out of it, hearts beating out of my chest, my thoughts were running wild!  It was horrible. Didn't go to the movies again, and after that day at the movies I was to the point of not being able to leave my house, I would have a panic attack almost every night before bed, which made me afraid to sleep, I couldn't look in the mirror and was afraid to take a shower. Probably the most difficult time of my life. I talked to therapists which I truly believe helped alot. They all wanted me on medication, but the problem is, that is another fear of mine, taking medication. Nenn was a baby. I feel terrible because I barely remember taking care of Nenn because my anxiety took over everything. Thank goodness for The Hubby, he was and is the best. He always knows how to calm me down and as hard as it was he always understood me and was there for me no matter how crazy I was and am :)

Because of these panic attacks I had stopped drinking caffeine and stayed away from sugar (therapists suggested.) I refused to go to the movies, I do not take cold medicines or anything that I think will make me feel different, and I do not drink. Its also difficult because I am afraid to put myself in situations that I think I will not be able to get out of. Even helping out in the kids classes I was afraid of, and commiting to things, because what if I have a panic attack?

Now I feel I have some control of my panic attacks, and I did it without medication. I haven't had one in a couple months, I do still have anxiety. I feel good though, I am drinking some caffeine and need my chocolate, still will not take any medications except tylenol for a headache. And just this year I have been going to the movies again. Those may seem like little things, but they are big steps for me. Might have to actually get on an airplane soon, and if I can do that omg, that would be a miracle. I think I can do it.

So yeah Anxiety sucks!

Something Special

So I have 3 beautiful children~But my girls have something special about them. My oldest daughter was born with UMA (Unilateral Microtia and Atresia) basicly that means one ear is little (looks like a peanut) with no ear canal. So she has moderate-severe hearing loss in her right ear. She is perfectly normal, great speech and all. We were pretty surprised when she was born, but knew all would be fine. Audiologists nowadays suggest a hearing aid but Ky wants nothing to do with it, which is fine, but back in 2001 they did not. Doctors said that there was a 1-2% chance we would have another child with Microtia. And still we had no idea why she was born with a "special" ear.

Next in 2003 my second daughter was born, we were VERY surprised to see our daughter was also born with Microtia, this time it was BMA (Bilateral Microtia Atresia) basicly the same thing but in both ears. We teared up for a second and then realized we can do this and all is going to be fine. She has been wearing a hearing aid since she was 3 months old but it was worn like a headband, which is why her speech never really fell behind. She has moderate-severe hearing loss in both ears without her h/a. She hears normally with it, but has trouble hearing in loud places. Now she wears a BAHA (Bone Anchored Hearing Aid) She had 2 surgeries that makes the h/a atatch to her head by an anchor like screw that was put in to the bone of her head and then the h/a box snaps into it, about 2 years ago and is doing great with it. I remember when she first got to wear her BAHA attatched to her head she told me she could hear her brother breathing next to her (that was an amazing moment) After I had her doctors said it would be a 50% chance my next child will have Microtia.

Then I got pregnant with my son. Totally expecting it to happen again, my son was born without Microtia. Very interesting.

My girls are great and are totally okay with their ears, which is what I have been trying to teach them all their lives. I put their hair up and do not hide their ears, and give them an exrtra kiss on their special ears. Nenn is very proud of her hearing aid, and is not afraid to talk about it. I have prepared them for questions, because people will ask and stare even adults. Most people who have microtia have surgery to fix their ears, but in our case I want them to feel comfortable with their differences. I am leaving it to the girls to make that decision when they are older. As of right now they are completely okay with their ears. And I hope it stays that way, because they are beautiful just the way they are. I am teaching them everyone is different, and its okay to be different. I am so proud of my girls :)

About us

Hi I am a stay at home mother of 3, I also take care of a 8 month old during the week days and my nephew an 18 month old during the evenings. I love all these kids! I have been married for 8 years, together for 11 years. I have 3 beautiful children, my oldest is Ky, (I will use nicknames) she is 10 yrs old, she is very smart, beautiful, funny and loves to be in charge. Nenn is 7, she is beautiful, sweet and very motherly and a little cuddle bug, and my last but not least is Jay he is 3, he is my crazy, fun, hilarious little boy who keeps me on my toes. I love my crazy little family! I am doing this blog to share all the ups, downs, and things I find interesting in our life which I love to share.