I'm ok

  Well it has been forever since I have been on here. And I now finally have something I WANT to write about.

  So I have just recently realized I'm ok with not having anymore babies. It was very hard for a while (1 year on new years to be exact) and I was very sad but I have finally realized I am ready to move on to the next step in life. I'm ready for my kids to get older and deal with the older situations and when Jay starts 1st grade I'll work and come home and enjoy my kids. And contributing $ will be great also. My only huge issue is, I have no idea what I want to be or do in life and work. Which is very scary! I really don't have a passion outside of my kids, at least I haven't found one yet. I guess I have about 2-3 years to figure it out. I just feel very relieved knowing we made the right decision on making it permanent to not have anymore children.

  An old friend told me I would be sad but it will go away and I am so happy those feelings are gone. I'm actually kinda excited to see what life has in store for us. 

Guilt

  Been feeling crappy lately. Unsure of myself and things. Can't quite figure out exactly why just been stuck in a funk. And wish I could snap out of it. Its crazy we've been so busy but when I'm not doing something I feel like I should be. Today I was actually able to relax at home for about 2-3 hours, my brother was gone, my mom was gone (they are staying with us right now), the hubby got home early from work but had to go to sleep for his later job and Jay had an early nap and girls were at school. There were things I could have left the house and done but I decided to do it all tomorrow. So I actually sat home and watched tv for like 2 hours during the day. I did clean the bathrooms, dishes, swept, vacuumed and made some mac salad before or else I would not have been able to sit there with out thinking about the house being a mess. It was very strange and I feel guilty relaxing but it was nice. Its not fair to feel this way. I also think being at home today didn't help my feeling crappy, almost like a depressed feeling. Oh well that was today and I'm sure tomorrow will be different. Because I'm crazy like that :)

Babies

  So I am having a problem. I am sad I can't have anymore babies (yes I know I'm crazy) I see so many people on FB having babies and pregnant and I am actually sad I will not experience that anymore. Realisticly I know I shouldn't have anymore kids and I am ready to move on to the next stage in life but I am actually sad. And 3 kids is plenty and tough, but what if Jay gets older and we want to have another. The Hubby is DONE and does not want anymore and really he made it impossible to have anymore. We both made the decision but I didn't know I would feel this way. I've heard people feel this way for a while but its time for it to go away. It's crazy we started young and are done having kids and others our age are just starting. I do love the age I had kids, found out I was pregnant with my first on my 21st bday. So it will be nice when our kids are older, the Hubby and I will still be kinda young, so that is one good reason to be okay to not have anymore babies. I guess I'll just enjoy other peoples babies, lol. I do love seeing all the new babies. And I am REALLY excited to be an Auntie again, can't wait!!!

  Wow! What a couple weeks it has been. So busy!! We are finally in our new home and I love it!!! There are some minor things that need to be fixed but they will be soon. I love how much more room we have and I have such a warm and happy feeling in this home. Its amazing how it just seems this place was so meant to be :) The only thing I can't stand is all the unpacking and how much crap I still have in my garage, yuck! But slowly I will get to all the boxes and figure out what goes where. Oh and all the cleaning that needs to be done at the old house. I guess its just a part of moving and I need to realize I can't get settled in 2 days.

 Tomorrow my oldest is going on her 5th grade trip with her school and I am so sad about it I actually cried in the car today. I am not showing her my feelings because I don't want her to get worried or anything. But holy moly this is tough and she hasn't even left yet. But geez 3 nights and 4 days is just way to long! I know she'll be fine and have a great time but I can't help but worry and miss her and wonder if all is okay and if she's getting taken care of or if she need me. I need to just let go and trust that she will be fine. I do know that last year at this time I felt there was no way she was ready for this trip and now I feel she is ready. She has definitly matured within the year. Its going to be a rough couple of days :( I will try my best to keep busy and get things done around the new house and old house, so hopefully that will distract me. Anyway I hope she has the best time and remember this experience forever. I love my Ky...

My youngest baby in PreSchool!

 On his first day of school.

 On his second day after school. We love it so far. He's so cute, he eats so much after school and he is so tired.

Things are good! And busy busy busy.

Anxiety

  I just wanted to note this down. Last thursday I went to Jay's preschool open house, it was a day to meet the teacher and let Jay see his new preschool. All went really well, Jay loved it and didn't want to leave, which is great. He played with all boys in the car area of course and parents came and I had to fill out some paper work. But for some reason I started having anxiety, I get anxiety alot but this time I started to feel a panic attack coming on, I think it was being in a class with a bunch of people I didn't know, just wandering, not really controlled. I don't know what it was but I didn't like it at all! My mind starts thinking millions of different thoughts, my heart starts beating faster, and I'm trying to find a way to get it off my mind, so I start walking around trying to distract myself and I texted my hubby, some how he always makes me feel better. Eventually it went away after distracting myself.

  I just wish I knew why. It sucks because thats why I am afraid to volunteer at my kids school and do lots of other things like being in a room with lots of people I don't know. This hasn't happened in a while, but the good thing about it is I was able to stop it.

Life is good

  So yeah we got the house, just waiting to move in. Should be moving in about 2 weeks. And completely in by Oct 1st, my birthday! What a great bday presant to me :) So excited, things are looking good for us right now. The hubby has been working hard like always, and of course we miss him. We all are so busy its good for us. With school, soccer, cheer, and of course homework and then preschool and dance about to start on wednesday. Its good to keep busy! Nenn's birthday is coming up soon also, I think we might have to move on her bday weekend, which will be crazy! I just need to make sure to celebrate her as much as usual and not let the move take anything away from her day.

  Next week I am looking forward to not having any kids for about 3 hours, 3x a week. Right now I need the break but I know after a couple days I won't know what to do with myself. I'm sure me packing and getting ready to move will keep me busy for a little while.

  Lets just keep the positive stuff coming to us and hope it stays for a while.